Ever since I can remember, I wanted to feel loved.
To feel seen. To feel as though I mattered. To be welcomed. To belong.
Growing up and for a long time afterward I didn’t feel any of those things.
It was really painful
My biggest heart wound
Something like this changes our lives in a big way
I laid awake at night as a child with my heart hurting wondering what I had done wrong.
Wondering what I could do to fix things, to feel better, make the pain go away.
My solution, though it wasn’t a conscious decision was to try harder. To be nicer, to try harder to please the people around me. To make them happy, so that they would be nicer to me. To put everyone else’s needs first if it meant that I would feel I belonged.
I turned myself inside out doing this for years, but it only led to me feeling worse about me as I gave away pieces of myself more and more.
And the heart wound went unhealed and got worse and worse.
Wound whispers infiltrated everything and so the story I told myself about myself became more and more tainted.
I began making poor choices based on that story.
But eventually a time went on and the pain just became worse, I knew I needed to find another way to end the pain. I started to listen to the guidance that had been trying to come through for so long. And I began reading, studying and learning about religions and spirituality. I found teachers.
I found different friends with similar interests who were more positive and caring.
They were different from my family and former friends, they saw and appreciated who I really was. I began taking back all those little bits of me I had been giving away.
If it hadn’t been for the wounding, I might never have gone looking and found all the goodness. I might not have learned to love myself.
We can’t always put new ideas into practice right away. It takes a while after we understand it in theory to apply it, at least it did for me. For some it may come sooner, the timeline is different for each of us. I continued wanting the love and all that comes with to come from outside for a while.
At times I still do, and it does, much more than before. But I don’t need it to I’m able to give it to myself.
Now I can see me clearly through my own eyes and embrace all of who I am.
A deep desire to help others came out of that wounding and pain. And a deep understanding of others wounding. So, I’m good at sharing light with others because I had to find my own.
Know that if any of this sounds familiar, whatever happened to you, doesn’t have to define you. You can always choose again. You may have been given a gift, you simply need to unwrap it.
Sending you so much love,
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